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One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. -Nietzsche

  November 12, 2008

Disposable girlfriends (invert the dominant paradigm)

Most guys meet girls randomly, whether in bars, parties, or other contrived escapist settings, and then try their best techniques to bed them for the night or a little longer. Sometimes when it works, a relationship ensues, developing into evenings and weekends with someone new and enjoyable: drinking, eating, entertaining, talking, goofing around, and maybe then moving in together, at least until the consequences of the real personalities emerge and someone's expectations are shattered. When the illusion is broken and the fervid mutual passion they once had evaporates in the face of bare realism carrying too heavy a weight, the pair inevitably develops (or rather cultivates!) problems and usually splits soon thereafter. All they had was blinding hope and burning desire, but had not developed a lasting love for each other -- only for the hunger of their passions and what they wanted the other person to seem.

Passion is essential but by itself is a veil that leads people to blindly rush into hopeful mirages when instead they could enjoy courting, flirting, and playfully exploring while getting to know the person that has intrigued and attracted them. By appreciating what draws you together and savoring every taste, you can take your time and get to know them for who they are. This lets you find out if they are worthy of your efforts and love, for if they shine true you can more easily give them everything.

Popular aggressive dating advice tells men and women both to avoid being categorized as friends, calling friendship a dead end at odds with their advice for achieving a high number of serial short-term hookups. But a friend is the most able to offer honorable love without deception, while romantic conquistadors prefer to carefully present a persona crafted for plundering. By the time you find out who the other person really is behind the mask and see that you could not possibly have a future together, they are already on their way to the next stop in their relentless voyage of unsatisfied consumption.

After dramatic fights and breakups, a mere romantic girlfriend is gone forever, which is probably for the best if a couple could not find a lasting purpose and joy in each other. In contrast, a friend remains a friend even if a passionate relationship blows up, and perhaps later you can even forgive and laugh about your mistakes and difficulties. Friends outlast even severe blunders, as those are part of the personality you have come to know and accept. Friends remain in your life for what they always were and both of you can take pride in having once hoped for more, and then surviving when your greater aspirations failed.

As friends, all doors remain open for what matters the most: bringing two spirits close for honest communication, shared curiosity, adventure, reliable support, mutual nourishment, and appreciation for the lucky circumstances that allowed you to find each other in a cluttered and mostly vapid world.

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